-i really wanted to write about giving up but i wont-

i really wanted to write today. to write about how challenging my day was today, about how i miss my son who lives so far away from me, about how hard i’m working or so i think i am so that he can finally be with me but it don’t seem like i am moving any step closer to that goal, about how i think i have failed as a mother, about how i almost feel overwhelmed because there is so much i need to know and i don’t know, about how i feel so despondent about not achieving the important goals i had set out to achieve this week, about how i really just don’t want to give up sugar, about how i really don’t want to care that i care, about how the words seem stuck in my head and don’t want to come out.

so since i don’t know what to write about, i go back in time. and read words from the 19th of august 2012. a letter from me to you, which was actually, from me to me.

It’s been 10 days, 10 months, 10 years
Really not that long though…
They say time heals all wounds…humbug!
Such bollocks!
Tsk…who said that again?
Guy must have been high on cheap weed when he wrote that (with all due respect sir)

There are somethings time never heals, you know?
But what I think is that you make a choice and decide to move on…
You go on and get busy with life
Whatever it is you do-Job, School, Church…
You meet new people, have new hobbies, travel…
But if that thing, person or event really did matter to you, it will stay with you forever
There’ll always be places, songs, gestures, words, pictures, bible verses, poems,…
That will always remind you of who or what used to be
In time, the tears will flow less frequently till they stop
The pain will ache so badly till they numb out
Because you’ll come to a realization that there’s nothing you could have done about it and you’re comforted in His words…
His words that say He’s not going to bring to you that which you can’t handle
And you draw strength from that wisdom
And you then face each day, knowing that no matter what you’ve lost,
You can’t afford to loose your hope, your joy, your faith and most of all your praise
You may never know why it happened or what went wrong,
You just come to the realization that you must let it go- JUST LET IT GO

You must make a conscious effort-this you must do by choice
Whether you like it or not, you wake up everyday believing that something wonderful is going to happen in each day
And when the storm comes and the wind don’t blow your way, adjust your sails to another direction where the wind blows and sail into a new adventure,
Live each day to the fullest!
Love like you’ve never loved before,
Sing and dance with abandon like you just don’t care!
Do something! Anything!
Just decide to be happy, ecstatically happy!

I don’t promise you the pain will go away
I don’t promise you that sometimes the tears will not flow without warning
I don’t promise you that you’ll always be spiritual about whatever challenge life brings to you
I don’t promise that you won’t blame yourself wondering if there was something, anything you could have done to have avoided that tragedy, that mistake
I don’t promise you also that you won’t often wonder whether you should have fought for what you believed in-
Isn’t that what they said? The wise ones?
“Go after you dreams?”
“If you don’t go after what you want you’ll never have it?”
“Don’t quit, every difficulty is an opportunity in disguise?”
“See it, believe it, make it happen?”
Seriously, the wise ones who came up with these quotes forgot to put a disclaimer at the bottom- “Terms and conditions apply. This does not apply to every situation.”…

Yet I still cannot promise you that sometimes you will question Him because you still don’t understand the why, and you may never understand
But this one thing I can promise you
That His plans for you are good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope!
I can promise you also that He’ll never leave you or forsake you
And this I am so certain of and can promise without blinking- HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH!
And that will never, ever change-NEVER EVER!



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